I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
