I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
