and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
