do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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