You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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