We're like a lot better than the average bears
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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