Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
