Will you blow on my dice?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
