Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
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She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
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I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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