I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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