How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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