dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
