I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
