I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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