she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
