I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
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Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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