is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
