I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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