she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
