glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
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