so that wasnt chicken after all
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
