She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
