Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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