the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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