I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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