people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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