but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
