you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
