Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
