i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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