dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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