I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
