I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
