I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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