so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
