I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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