I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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