I think I died a long time ago.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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