3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
