Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
