You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i barfeds in our rink
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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