woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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