Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
