i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
