my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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