I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
