I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
How's work?
Spinning.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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