So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
