dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
