I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
