did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
