this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
