You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
