I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
