Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
