definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
