Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
