Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
